Friday, August 29, 2008

update

gosh, just watched that video I posted below for like the 700th time and know that i will probably watch it 700 more times. for some reason it gives me hope.

life has been quite extraordinary for me the past few months...extraordinarily stressful. i long for the day when I will feel as if I'm simply cruising through, but knowing myself, that will be exactly the time that I will choose to shake things up a bit again. here's a brief update as to the events that have unfolded in the last while. and for those of you who are thinking, "why is she doing this, like the world even cares!?" trust me, this blog is not for you.

1. june 2, 2008 - started at the DeVos children's hospital. while this has been exciting and i've met a lot of nice people and a lot of wonderful kiddos, it is also probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life.

2. july 23, 2008 - got a call from my OB at 7:30am while I had just started my shift at the hospital. she had found a "spot" on the ultrasound, an echogenic focus, 98% sure it is nothing to worry about. but, worry I did. cried for a week straight.

3. july 30, 2008 - second ultrasound. doctor was right. nothing to worry about. i learned a few things from this experience. #1 - i already love this baby. it hurt my heart more than anything to know there might be something wrong. #2 - for one week all of the joy of pregnancy was stripped away from me. people would ask me how i was, how the pregnancy was and i would smile and say "fine" but really i just wanted to kick them for even asking me. i felt empty and sad. i tried to keep the words, "the joy of the Lord is my strength" in mind, but really folks, that is a lot harder to comprehend when your joy here on earth has been taken from you. you may gasp, but at least i'm honest. what really kept me going was the fact that I know that God does not make mistakes. what he creates is perfect in every way, even the seemingly imperfect parts. i read psalm 139 every time i started to forget that, which was about 150 times a day. parts of that verse now hang on our nursery wall. of course there is still the risk that baby N. will be born with some anomaly. that risk exists with every pregnancy. but, the reminder that God has given brett and i a perfect gift, a hand-knitted masterpiece, will greet me every day despite any imperfections that we humans make up.

3. august 6, 2008 - changed over to working the night shift. this has, for some reason, been a fairly easy transition for me. i enjoy the night atmosphere. it is slower and gives me a chance to sit down and learn about my patients. i've been able to sleep during the day better than i would have ever have thought. and, on my days off i don't beat myself up over having to take a few extra naps or when i sleep in until 10am. i know i'm preggo and have to take good care of myself. if that means sleeping all the time, so be it.

4. august 24, 2008 - orientation over! taking my own patients. could there be anything more scary than having the little life of another in your hands? i really don't think so. maybe fire-breathing dragons would be more scary...maybe. i've had three nights "on my own." the first night was a disaster for about the first three or four hours. kind of lost control. had people there helping me out, but really felt like I had lost it. the second two nights got progressively better, but i'm sure i've got a lot of long stressful nights ahead of me before i feel any sort of confidence at all.

5. august 28, 2008 - lost my wedding ring. seeing as how i never take the thing off, i have NO IDEA what happened to it.

-sn