a good cry

in the past few years i have become a crier. before that time i didn't cry that often. not that i had a problem with it, i just didn't do it with very with much frequency. now i cry all of the time. i cry when i read the BBC news. i cry in church when jeffrey plays his violin and closes his eyes to see the sheet music that God has provided for him in his head. i cry when i'm stressed and i cry when i'm sad and angry. i cry out of frustration and i cry when i feel lonely. sometimes i cry when i laugh really hard. and i often cry when i pray because the thought of God's grace overwhelms me. it overwhelms me.

the other day i had a good cry. this won't make any sense to anyone who reads this. but for me, it was important and worth writing down for my own memory. i transfered brett's slideshow from his evil computer to his video camera. it was the most stressful transfer you could ever imagine involving a night with no sleep, numerous frusterating crashes, freezes and errors, and the stress of knowing that it was supposed to be up on a screen in front of about 600 people later that day. i offered to do it b/c brett had to go to work. if it didn't transfer for me, then it wasn't going to be seen by anyone. so, b/c i have this bad habit of taking on everyone else's responsibility I felt sick with worry that it wasn't going to work and that many people were going to be let down. luckily it successfully started to transfer after a few different attempts (and careful over the phone instructions from brett). i made sure to watch the whole slideshow tranfer to watch for any mistakes in the encoding. it was a beautiful slideshow with pictures of snot-nosed little kids on swings, people painting fences, kids receiving awards, community center type pictures. and these were the words being sung as each picture faded up onto the screen before me:

"i see the lord, seated on the throne, exalted. and the train of his robe fills the temple with glory. and the whole earth is filled. and the whole earth is filled. and the whole earth is filled with his glory."

suddenly the stress of weeks of school, work, marriage, and a whole night of not sleeping b/c of slideshow worry came flooding out of my eyes in wave after wave of understanding that no matter what the lord is seated on his throne, exalted. i understood that he's exalted in the smiles of those snot-nosed kids laughing on the swings. he's exalted in the hands that paint fences. he's exalted in community. but, he's not exalted in my constant worry and perfectionism. i mean, doesn't God even "mock" our worries? he says something like, "why do you keep worrying about stuff? check out those birds over there! they're not worried..." worrying is kind of like having less than a bird brain. so, with that understanding the slideshow of my own life started its transfer through my memory. did you know that i've been to 20 different countries? twenty. i've seen a lot. i've seen God on his throne. and i know that the whole earth is filled with his glory, in areas of extreme poverty and in areas of sickening wealth, God's glory abounds. how is it that i can so easily forget this truth? how could i have allowed my silly worries to blind me to what i've seen and where i've been and what i've lived? all of that, clouded by my own self-pity and worrying. as this slideshow did it's thing i was overwhelmed by the grace and glory of this God who lets me ride on the tail of his robe. i cried a good long cry. -SN